Are you expecting a homesteadish post here?  You might want to move on.  On the other hand, if you get over-whelmed with your projects and you’re unhappy with progress (personal or otherwise)…

This is a spill my guts post.  I’m very depressed today.  I’m not used to feeling this way.  Those of you who fight depression day after day have my respect.

I spent last week in my home town.  I worked during the day (telecommute) and moved stuff out of the house we had there in the evenings.

The house represents one of my failures.  It needed a lot more work than I realized.  I financed through a relative who turned out to be, well, I don’t want to get started.  I did a lot of things wrong getting involved with it.

Moving the stuff was mostly a solitary experience.  The wife was there for a day, but had to go back and take care of the animals and drive a kid to school.  My son also helped with a load (Thanks!).

This leads to another signal failure on my part.

Normally, our other kid at home would do the driving.  But, she unexpectedly moved out a few months before graduation.  Big fail as a dad.  What am I doing this homestead stuff for, if not for my family?

You may have seen a picture of me with my dog.  Well, she was shot by persons unknown the same week when the kid drama occurred.  She did not survive.

Work stress is building as well.  I have a month left before my current work ends.  That’s life as a contractor.  I don’t have anything else lined up.

While I was packing things, I came across some of my grandmother’s stuff.  She passed in 2011, having lived a long and full life.  And, Oh God, I miss her so much.

*

*

*

There’s so much to do to prepare for spring time.  None of it is going to happen without income though.  More stress.

Yesterday, I drove back to where my work is.  It was a 9 hour drive and I’m sure a lot of what I’m feeling is road fatigue.  Tomorrow I’ll be back at work with one of the most unreasonable supervisors I’ve experienced.  It’s hard to find success in this work since he came on board.

So many great things have happened lately too.  I’ve received encouragement from people I haven’t seen for quite a while (thanks for the bike encouragement, Tom!).  I’ve made a new friend (Damian, thanks for your positive-ness!).  I was given a pickup, it’s a 3/4 ton 4wd long bed, exactly what I’ve been wanting.

There are also all the good things that have been in my life for a while as well.  My family.  Specifically, my wife, who is always awesome, sharing my dreams, she holds things together and loves me more than I deserve.  My oldest, who called recently just to make sure I was doing okay.  My youngest, who keeps the homestead running when the wife is traveling or needs help.  My son, who is always positive, helpful and loves to dream with me.  Even the daughter who has moved out, my life is unimaginably richer because of you.  My mom, but more importantly she is one of my closest friends, a cheerleader for me.  Also, my friends.  I’m not going to name names, but there are friends in the homestead, filling in for me while I’m gone and others who care to keep track of me.

There are so many that have real problems.  I recognize that the stuff I’m feeling is nothing to the pain that others are dealing with.  I know my perspective is off.

So right now I’ve got tunnel vision and can’t seem to snap out of this.  But this depression will pass.  Tomorrow will be a new day.

I didn’t write this post to get pity or commiseration.  I wrote this because I want to remember this when things are going well.

This post is one page that’s going to be buried in the middle of a bunch of posts about trials, errors and successes.  This isn’t the end.  So don’t feel sorry for me.  Hopefully, if you’re down, you can click on the next few posts in the future and see that life can get better.

It’s tempting to wallow (even more than I have).  But there’s stuff to do.  Let me twist the meaning of the end of a Robert Frost poem…

–JS